I'm just trying to gather my thoughts from today...and while I of course have a tendency to ramble I think tonight might be an extreme...I've moved in a lot of different directions today and many thoughts have come and gone...some which I wish I could hang on to and others that I barely noticed had even arrived.
THE DAY BEGINS
The morning began as normal with a 4:00am alarm. I snoozed it and snoozed it and snoozed it until finally the chapel bell rang at 4:50am. I find that this quite annoying process has me more awake and alert than ever for prayer. I don't know, but as of late I've been getting into a legitimate rhythm and not tired for prayers. It also has been a boost being in the midst of the Nineveh Fast. I don't know if I've ever looked forward to a fast more than this one. It's not a fast shared by most of the other Orthodox churches as far as I understand. It's a fast for 3 days (from Sunday Vespers until Wednesday/Thursday depending) and serves almost as a primer for the Great Fast. The prayer structure, prayers, tones, and all else changes as it does with the Great Fast and was a powerful experience the last few days.
Since I've been getting into this rhythm my time in chapel has also been markedly improved and I've actually stopped sleeping after prayers are finished. This fast has some not-so-ordinary rules that I haven't figured out quite yet. It begins Sunday with Vespers. It calls for a midday Holy Qurbana on Wednesday. Yet the fast is not broken until a second liturgy on Thursday morning. The Hours are all different (tones, prayers, structure) than the normal Daily Hours for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, yet Vespers for Wednesday evening (technically Thursday Vespers) is from the normal Daily Hours. Seeing how Holy Qurbana took place on Wednesday and the special lenten prayers are completed with 9th Hour on Wednesday, one would naturally assume that the Fast is over after Holy Qurbana, right? Apparently not. There's a weird situation with this Fast, probably from a merging of different traditions and a liturgical conservatism that wished to preserve these traditions faithfully even after the merge. I haven't really inquired in depth about this, but this would be my initial hypothesis on the matter. (UPDATE: As of 6:33am I have realized that the Holy Qurbana on Thursday morning is actually a Feast-Day Qurbana commemorating St. Jonah the Prophet. I still don't know why the fast continues, but the prayers for Thursday were chanted in Tone 8, not 6 as would have been regularly scheduled...that is all for now)
Back to the ACTUAL purpose of my post (I warned everyone about my propensity to ramble, especially today).
After Night Vigil (Lilyo) and Matins (Sapro) I got to my room about 630am and felt incredibly refreshed. I decided to forgo sleep and prepare for Holy Qurbana. The Hours would begin at 10:30am and Holy Qurbana by 11:00am.
THE NEWS
I began to prepare for Holy Qurbana, but eventually fell asleep in my room around 8:30am and woke up around 9:30am when one of the guys down the hall told me that I had a phone call from the U.S. I guess it was both an odd day and odd time for a call from home. I think I've probably written this earlier, but I get very tense when I get calls at odd times and odd days from home. No calls, no problem. Awkwardly timed calls, no good. I checked my phone (which I almost always have on silent and I almost never check) and sure enough, 4 missed calls from my cousin here in India. and a message. Do I call back or do I check the message first? I knew I should have called, but come on, there's a message. So of course I check the message and see the message that I basically had felt would be on the other end:
"Ammachi expired"
'Ammachi' means grandmother and 'expired' is the term that is oft used by Kerala-Indians (as far as I know it could be more people who do this but I have no real clue) to describe death tactfully. So my heart dropped and I called my cousin and there was all this noise and craziness going on...he told me that Ammachi had passed away just shortly before and that she was being taken to the mortuary shortly. That conversation was very short. I had to get to Qurbana which was now fast approaching. I was basically dull to the news. I had little reaction. I called home, spoke to my mom briefly, and that was it. I showered, went to Holy Qurbana and put her name on the departed prayer list. It still hadn't hit I don't think. But as 3rd Hour began I found myself unable to sing. I couldn't open my mouth. My eyes welled up, but I was focused on trying to get words out, they just weren't coming. Then came 6th Hour and finally 9th Hour and things got a little clearer for me. Finally after 9th Hour came the 40 prostrations. At that point the chanting of "Kurielaison" and prostrating basically kept my mind clear and focused.
I had known that my grandmother (paternal) had passed away for all of about 30 minutes before and here I was standing in the chapel for Liturgy. For a second I had considered just not going at all...I wanted to just be alone...but honestly, how silly would that have been? It took me only a few seconds to shake off that thought. What better opportunity could I have after finding out this news than to head straight to prayer? I mean, I had her name remembered at the altar during the offering of the Eucharist...I was able to pray for her and my family with the community of the Seminary in the presence of our entombed fathers in the chapel that provided a second birth to the great leaders in our Church...suddenly it seemed more than silly that I would refrain from the chapel. It would go against everything that I had ever believed in and had preached about in terms of dealing with struggle, loss, adversity and so on. It's easier of course to talk, but honestly, to live it, that's tough. In all things give thanks to God.
Emotionally, it was a tough liturgy, but it was also incredibly comforting and strengthening on so many levels. Following the Liturgy incense was offered in the chapel for my departed grandmother by Metropolitan Severus who had also celebrated the Holy Qurbana that morning.
It also happened that today was an off day. Following Liturgy there were no classes. Arun spent the afternoon with me in the afternoon as I made the necessary calls and got timings and information straight. I talked to my little cousin who's studying in North India. She's getting on a train soon enough and coming home. My uncle (dad's elder brother) arrives tomorrow from New Delhi. My parents and my uncle (dad's younger brother) will be coming by Saturday early morning. Lij will come by Sunday afternoon. I also called Thomas Achen (who had already been informed by our Mylapra Church vicar). I called Metropolitan Clemis and talked with him, but was unable to get a hold of either Metropolitan Seraphim or Metropolitan Yulios. Shibu Achen and Abraham Thomas Achen were already at Liturgy this morning and so I talked to them personally.
Arun needed to work on some things and did so in my room while I worked on some other things...mostly research stuff that I have been pretty excited about...our conversation came and went...mostly about other things. I'm not a person who is particularly open about my feelings and stuff. Even in that last sentence I had to add "and stuff" to "feelings" just so as to deflect the awkwardness of saying that line and even this post. Mostly I think because of my reading and training thus far, there's little that people can say that would be a revelation to me...so instead of inviting well-intentioned, yet often trite advice or words of comfort, I'd more often than not avoid the situation altogether. Having Arun around was good for the main fact that he knows very well he ought not try extra hard to say something profound because I think he knows as well as I do that it probably would fall on deaf ears. Instead, talking about a number of other things and working as well was a positive outlet for me.
Even now, almost 12 hours have passed and I'm pretty sure I'm handling this pretty well. I'm generally a pretty emotional person, but have learned some things in the way of composure over these past few years. Anger is the one emotion that I still have trouble masking and/or appropriately reconciling with.
The last time I saw Ammachi was this past weekend. Talk about a blessing. I hadn't seen Ammachi in almost 5/6 months, and I was incredibly blessed to have been with her the weekend before she passed away.
GOD IS GOOD
I thought whether I should post a FB status, or just leave it be, but the more I think about it, really, God is good.
My parents had been in India for almost 3 weeks and this past weekend was their last in the country. So I took my first leave of the year from the seminary to spend with them. I spent a lot of time at home and a lot of time with Ammachi. She's basically been in the same medical condition for a few years now. Diabetes had taken its toll on her and she had become increasingly weak. Her memory was the most serious faculty to have been damaged though. Before leaving for my ordination I stopped at home and spent some time with Ammachi and she had trouble remembering me, but at certain points there would be a breakthrough and seconds later she would again forget why or what we were talking about. There were always a couple of things she wouldn't forget...among those were that I was studying in Kottayam to become a priest...long after she forgot my name, she wouldn't forget this bit of information.
This past weekend when I went home she didn't recognize me at all (among many others). Physically she was still the same as she had been for a while. No positive or negative change. She saw me and recognized I was clergy, but didn't know who I was. Then I would sit down next to her and in about 15 seconds her concentration would be broken and she'd start again. From close up, she looked at me and knew me, but couldn't say who I was or what my name was...she would always deflect the fact that she couldn't remember these things because when we would ask her she would say "Do I know you? Of course I know you." and then when we'd ask her to verbalize she'd say, "Why do I need to say. You know already." or when my uncle asked her what my name was she said "You ask him."
This time though, she looked at me closely and noticed my hat and asked, "You're already wearing a hat?"...and I would respond "Ammachi, I am ordained now." and she would reply "Since when?" and I'd say, "It's been over 6 months. I told you before I was ordained and came to see you after I was ordained." and she'd remark "Oh well, what else can you ask for?" and I would say "Well, to be ordained a priest." and she thought about it and said, "That's not an easy life. You have to be prepared. Have you learned all the songs? Have you learned the services?"...and so she knew who I was but the whole putting two and two together wasn't necessarily there...the reason that the tense changed a lot in the last dialogue is because that wasn't a one-time only dialogue...in the course of two days that conversation happened almost 5-6 times.
At one point she asked me whether I was going to Kottayam...I was shocked. Did she really remember that? And then I would say yes and ask her why I am going to Kottayam...and she said, to study to be a priest. There were flashes of her memory here and there.
As people get more ill, more aged, there's a tendency to become ill-mannered and difficult to deal with, but Ammachi was always pleasant. When she stopped being able to remember things or when her hearing started to give out she would just sit on her bed and smile. That smile is etched in my heart.
From the time I arrived in India her health was in a steady decline. When I arrived her memory was not so bad, but not so great. Her prayers were strong and constant. Soon she lost a sense of time, day and night became blurred and so prayer was all the time. Her temperament was always light and playful...she was quick witted to the end. More recently, however, even the prayers left her memory and she would sit on her bed just smiling...calm and at peace.
Since my parents left Ammachi had been a little low on energy. She wasn't very hungry and had become very tired...tired to the point that my uncle was going to take her to the hospital this morning. She has her ups and downs often and on her downs they usually sleep in the room with her in shifts. They have a little cot to sleep on that is next to her bed. So my aunt spent the first half of the night with Ammachi, then my uncle spent the rest of the night with Ammachi. When he came to her room he turned on his flashlight and as always Ammachi was only half asleep and raised her head and motioned for him to come towards her. So he had my aunt go to their room to get some sleep before the new day began. Ammachi held onto my uncle's hand as she slept and in the morning my Aunt brought her some water, but due to her recent tiredness, they decided not to get her up and let her sleep a little longer. So my uncle started his daily routine of chores and came in to check on her. She was sleeping peacefully, but noticed her mouth slightly ajar. When he tried to then wake her up she was non-responsive. She was still warm, but non-responsive. She passed away peacefully in her sleep in her 81st year of life. Her final moments were reflective of her final years...at peace.
And for that, God is good. There is nothing for me to complain about, but just the pain that accompanies losing someone...however, not even that is something to complain about. It's a pain that arises from the blessing of having known that person in the first place. For that, God is good. For the blessing of Ammachi in my life, God is good. For allowing me to be here, God is good. For allowing her to sleep in peace, God is good. For granting her many years of bountiful life, God is good. For blessing her with a God-fearing family, God is good. For granting her with an anchoring Faith, God is good. And there so much more, and for that, God is good.
And today, God provided me the proper counseling by putting both prayer and the Holy Qurbana before me. It was not just for me to reorient the shock of this news towards God, but also for me to offer prayers for Ammachi.
REFLECTIONS in the Form of RAMBLING
And I thought about the offering of prayers and remember the departed and how much of a "hot-button" issue it is among Christians...and I don't think that I'm going to be able to express myself entirely here, or well at all, but let me give it a shot. I don't want to get into a Bible-proofing exercise, because frankly, the Bible is not nor was ever intended to act as a proof text...normal from the Orthodox side the example of the prayer for Onesiphorous who is departed is cited as a "proof" for praying for the departed...and the Maccabees praying for their departed is the reason why the Protestants wanted the Deutero-canonical books out...All of these picking out convenient verses out of context seems just very sloppy and juvenile. It works in the opposite direction such as the famous misquoting of Psalm 115:17, "The dead do not praise the Lord, nor do any that go down into silence"...and then the conveniently left out verse 18, "But we will bless the Lord from this time on and forevermore. Praise the Lord!" and the even more conveniently forgotten context of the Psalm which is basically comparing the worship of lifeless idols to the worship of the lifegiving God...Worship of what is lifeless is essentially dead, whereas worship of Him that is lifegiving is, essentially living. And this whole "context" of the Psalms, especially in looking at the language of praising the Lord forever, which is one of the most common exhortations and pronouncements of the Psalms are all not possible if we want to read it as literally as those engaged in Biblical proofing are involved in. All in all it is lacking of any true interpretation with integrity or or proper analysis of Holy Writ.
The Scriptures are not there to prove a point or disprove a point, but rather to establish the Truth, among other things to demonstrate God's salvific plan for humanity.
So instead, what do I look at when reflecting upon the departed? Of course the Scriptures are the basis of reflection, but what is the Scripture's purpose? Obviously, you have to look at context...bear with me though as I ramble, if you really wish to.
Why do I pray for the departed? Very simple put, Love. In Christ, the bond of mutual love and prayer unites all believers together. What is particularly striking is that as an "assembly" of believers, we are not joined to each other by our own temporal bonds (i.e. brother, sister, friend), but rather we are joined to CHRIST. In being joined to Christ we are joined to the ENTIRE Church...to ALL believers. This is much more meaningful than our temporal and limited understanding of Church could ever imply. Our life of prayer, liturgy, Eucharist all lead to a deepening and strengthening of this very realization, fellowship, and communion to the entire creation IN Christ.
We are one IN Christ. Inseparable IN Christ. We are made ONE in baptism and we maintain our oneness with Christ through the Eucharist. This unity is FOREVER and ETERNAL. Anyone who would pose only a temporary or this-world unity ought to go through the Scriptures and open your mind a little wider to what Christ really offered to us. He almost always calls us to think a little higher, to get our mind out of the proverbial 'gutter'. We're often too tied down by worldly concerns and considerations that lead us to ask a number of questions that bring us into the nitty gritty details of the implications of such a belief, or so eager to argue that we lose sight of what Christ and the Scriptures actually show us to be the case.
Now, I'm not saying that those nitty gritty details ought to be passed over, but to a certain extent we will never really know all that we'd love to know about life after our physical death, or God for that matter. We work with what we have. We are 'baptized into one body by one Spirit' (1 Cor 12:12, Gal 3:27-28, etc) and in one bread we 'who are many are one body' (1 Cor 10:17). The lack of a true understanding of what baptism and Eucharist are serves as a great hamper to even start a discussion on the same page...which is why the discussion regarding the departed is so circular and very rarely bearing of fruit...
Ok, I've continued to ramble...I'm going to try to conclude my quite long remarks now: I will not even pretend to be capable of answering and addressing all the many issues regarding the departed, but when it comes down to what is vital, that's love, the Love that Christ offered us and showed us in His Incarnation and Crucifixion. He exhorted us to abide in Him. He provided us baptism to be united IN Him...Our bond to the departed is not to them by individual bonds, but through our bond to Christ to everyone. What is not of the vine will be cut off. The bricks that are built on the Cornerstone are not removed with each generation, but rather continues to provide the foundation by which we and the coming generations will be built upon. Christ neither disappears, but is the eternal cornerstone, the eternal foundation, the eternal vine...the only thing we know that is not part of this are those who are cut off, those who are discarded, those who are separated out. Not the faithful who undergo physical death. In fact, St. Paul writes, "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Read that again - NOTHING. If you understand this in the context of Christ's teaching about Himself and the Church, in light of Paul's other writings, and then in light of the Faith of the Church whose foundation and groom is Christ, Himself, the dissension grows weak and the polemics fade. How can St. Paul be so bold in taunting death, in saying "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?". It is not because he will not physically, or we will not physically die, because we shall, but his 'audacity' is rooted in the Faith and realization that IN Christ we have eternal life.
What does this eternal life entail? While we wait for the Second Coming, St. John clues us in Revelations 7:15, "For this reason they are before the throne of God and worship him day and night within his temple, and the one who is seated on the throne will shelter them..." We will and our departed do, worship Him...night and day.
We are made for His worship and we will worship and our departed will worship as we worship while we have our physical existence. We unite our prayers with the praying community who have departed from this earthly life. This bond that unites this community, the Church is love. Love is how we know Christ, it is how we know each other, and it is our duty. Love. We look at all the practical questions of "why pray for someone who is dead? what good will it produce? what effect will it have?" but honestly, is THAT why we even pray? If so then our prayer life is so decrepit, stale, and lifeless that we have little claim to the Christ that became Incarnate, was Crucified, and Resurrected...if our prayer life is set upon the profit and mindset of what to gain and not based upon our strengthening of fellowship and communion in God for that very purpose...then how sad are we?
If we intercede for the living and the dead only with the assurance that some situation will be rectified, how sad is our situation? Do we only pray for the sick or suffering so that they be healed or that their struggles cease? Surely that is OUR will, but not necessarily His. How sad and misguided. How many times is it NOT the case that healing does not come, or that struggles only increase? It is not for lack of Faith that we are frustrated when healing does not come or that life does not become easier, it is because of our misguided understanding of who God is and who we are. Our expectations of God are inconsistent with what we can possibly know of Him..
We pray because we love. We pray because we know how to do nothing else. We plant, we water, we fertilize, we work, but in the end God gives growth...and we find ourselves completely dependent upon Him when all of our best efforts have been put forward. We offer ourselves at His feet and lay ourselves before Him to do His work. We plead with Him that His will be done, whether or not that be our will. He always hears, but does not answer how we want. How silly of children to demand what they think best for them from the parent. How much sillier must it be that we demand of God what we think is best for us and our loved ones? We pray. We do not demand of God, but we plead for His mercy...for us, and for our departed...and for the entire world. We pray for them not because we expect a change, but because we know no greater expression or manifestation of love than prayer. We worship Him who is perfect and who loves us perfectly. We offer ourselves, we offer our departed, we offer everything to God for sanctification and perfection. We believe in the dynamic union between the departed and living based first and foremost because we believe in a living and dynamic Christ. We are the Temple, the Bridegroom, the Vine, and the Body of Christ. We are not cut off. Not even death, not even death can separate us from the love of Christ.
THE DAY BEGINS
The morning began as normal with a 4:00am alarm. I snoozed it and snoozed it and snoozed it until finally the chapel bell rang at 4:50am. I find that this quite annoying process has me more awake and alert than ever for prayer. I don't know, but as of late I've been getting into a legitimate rhythm and not tired for prayers. It also has been a boost being in the midst of the Nineveh Fast. I don't know if I've ever looked forward to a fast more than this one. It's not a fast shared by most of the other Orthodox churches as far as I understand. It's a fast for 3 days (from Sunday Vespers until Wednesday/Thursday depending) and serves almost as a primer for the Great Fast. The prayer structure, prayers, tones, and all else changes as it does with the Great Fast and was a powerful experience the last few days.
Since I've been getting into this rhythm my time in chapel has also been markedly improved and I've actually stopped sleeping after prayers are finished. This fast has some not-so-ordinary rules that I haven't figured out quite yet. It begins Sunday with Vespers. It calls for a midday Holy Qurbana on Wednesday. Yet the fast is not broken until a second liturgy on Thursday morning. The Hours are all different (tones, prayers, structure) than the normal Daily Hours for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, yet Vespers for Wednesday evening (technically Thursday Vespers) is from the normal Daily Hours. Seeing how Holy Qurbana took place on Wednesday and the special lenten prayers are completed with 9th Hour on Wednesday, one would naturally assume that the Fast is over after Holy Qurbana, right? Apparently not. There's a weird situation with this Fast, probably from a merging of different traditions and a liturgical conservatism that wished to preserve these traditions faithfully even after the merge. I haven't really inquired in depth about this, but this would be my initial hypothesis on the matter. (UPDATE: As of 6:33am I have realized that the Holy Qurbana on Thursday morning is actually a Feast-Day Qurbana commemorating St. Jonah the Prophet. I still don't know why the fast continues, but the prayers for Thursday were chanted in Tone 8, not 6 as would have been regularly scheduled...that is all for now)
Back to the ACTUAL purpose of my post (I warned everyone about my propensity to ramble, especially today).
After Night Vigil (Lilyo) and Matins (Sapro) I got to my room about 630am and felt incredibly refreshed. I decided to forgo sleep and prepare for Holy Qurbana. The Hours would begin at 10:30am and Holy Qurbana by 11:00am.
THE NEWS
I began to prepare for Holy Qurbana, but eventually fell asleep in my room around 8:30am and woke up around 9:30am when one of the guys down the hall told me that I had a phone call from the U.S. I guess it was both an odd day and odd time for a call from home. I think I've probably written this earlier, but I get very tense when I get calls at odd times and odd days from home. No calls, no problem. Awkwardly timed calls, no good. I checked my phone (which I almost always have on silent and I almost never check) and sure enough, 4 missed calls from my cousin here in India. and a message. Do I call back or do I check the message first? I knew I should have called, but come on, there's a message. So of course I check the message and see the message that I basically had felt would be on the other end:
"Ammachi expired"
'Ammachi' means grandmother and 'expired' is the term that is oft used by Kerala-Indians (as far as I know it could be more people who do this but I have no real clue) to describe death tactfully. So my heart dropped and I called my cousin and there was all this noise and craziness going on...he told me that Ammachi had passed away just shortly before and that she was being taken to the mortuary shortly. That conversation was very short. I had to get to Qurbana which was now fast approaching. I was basically dull to the news. I had little reaction. I called home, spoke to my mom briefly, and that was it. I showered, went to Holy Qurbana and put her name on the departed prayer list. It still hadn't hit I don't think. But as 3rd Hour began I found myself unable to sing. I couldn't open my mouth. My eyes welled up, but I was focused on trying to get words out, they just weren't coming. Then came 6th Hour and finally 9th Hour and things got a little clearer for me. Finally after 9th Hour came the 40 prostrations. At that point the chanting of "Kurielaison" and prostrating basically kept my mind clear and focused.
I had known that my grandmother (paternal) had passed away for all of about 30 minutes before and here I was standing in the chapel for Liturgy. For a second I had considered just not going at all...I wanted to just be alone...but honestly, how silly would that have been? It took me only a few seconds to shake off that thought. What better opportunity could I have after finding out this news than to head straight to prayer? I mean, I had her name remembered at the altar during the offering of the Eucharist...I was able to pray for her and my family with the community of the Seminary in the presence of our entombed fathers in the chapel that provided a second birth to the great leaders in our Church...suddenly it seemed more than silly that I would refrain from the chapel. It would go against everything that I had ever believed in and had preached about in terms of dealing with struggle, loss, adversity and so on. It's easier of course to talk, but honestly, to live it, that's tough. In all things give thanks to God.
Emotionally, it was a tough liturgy, but it was also incredibly comforting and strengthening on so many levels. Following the Liturgy incense was offered in the chapel for my departed grandmother by Metropolitan Severus who had also celebrated the Holy Qurbana that morning.
It also happened that today was an off day. Following Liturgy there were no classes. Arun spent the afternoon with me in the afternoon as I made the necessary calls and got timings and information straight. I talked to my little cousin who's studying in North India. She's getting on a train soon enough and coming home. My uncle (dad's elder brother) arrives tomorrow from New Delhi. My parents and my uncle (dad's younger brother) will be coming by Saturday early morning. Lij will come by Sunday afternoon. I also called Thomas Achen (who had already been informed by our Mylapra Church vicar). I called Metropolitan Clemis and talked with him, but was unable to get a hold of either Metropolitan Seraphim or Metropolitan Yulios. Shibu Achen and Abraham Thomas Achen were already at Liturgy this morning and so I talked to them personally.
Arun needed to work on some things and did so in my room while I worked on some other things...mostly research stuff that I have been pretty excited about...our conversation came and went...mostly about other things. I'm not a person who is particularly open about my feelings and stuff. Even in that last sentence I had to add "and stuff" to "feelings" just so as to deflect the awkwardness of saying that line and even this post. Mostly I think because of my reading and training thus far, there's little that people can say that would be a revelation to me...so instead of inviting well-intentioned, yet often trite advice or words of comfort, I'd more often than not avoid the situation altogether. Having Arun around was good for the main fact that he knows very well he ought not try extra hard to say something profound because I think he knows as well as I do that it probably would fall on deaf ears. Instead, talking about a number of other things and working as well was a positive outlet for me.
Even now, almost 12 hours have passed and I'm pretty sure I'm handling this pretty well. I'm generally a pretty emotional person, but have learned some things in the way of composure over these past few years. Anger is the one emotion that I still have trouble masking and/or appropriately reconciling with.
The last time I saw Ammachi was this past weekend. Talk about a blessing. I hadn't seen Ammachi in almost 5/6 months, and I was incredibly blessed to have been with her the weekend before she passed away.
GOD IS GOOD
I thought whether I should post a FB status, or just leave it be, but the more I think about it, really, God is good.
My parents had been in India for almost 3 weeks and this past weekend was their last in the country. So I took my first leave of the year from the seminary to spend with them. I spent a lot of time at home and a lot of time with Ammachi. She's basically been in the same medical condition for a few years now. Diabetes had taken its toll on her and she had become increasingly weak. Her memory was the most serious faculty to have been damaged though. Before leaving for my ordination I stopped at home and spent some time with Ammachi and she had trouble remembering me, but at certain points there would be a breakthrough and seconds later she would again forget why or what we were talking about. There were always a couple of things she wouldn't forget...among those were that I was studying in Kottayam to become a priest...long after she forgot my name, she wouldn't forget this bit of information.
This past weekend when I went home she didn't recognize me at all (among many others). Physically she was still the same as she had been for a while. No positive or negative change. She saw me and recognized I was clergy, but didn't know who I was. Then I would sit down next to her and in about 15 seconds her concentration would be broken and she'd start again. From close up, she looked at me and knew me, but couldn't say who I was or what my name was...she would always deflect the fact that she couldn't remember these things because when we would ask her she would say "Do I know you? Of course I know you." and then when we'd ask her to verbalize she'd say, "Why do I need to say. You know already." or when my uncle asked her what my name was she said "You ask him."
This time though, she looked at me closely and noticed my hat and asked, "You're already wearing a hat?"...and I would respond "Ammachi, I am ordained now." and she would reply "Since when?" and I'd say, "It's been over 6 months. I told you before I was ordained and came to see you after I was ordained." and she'd remark "Oh well, what else can you ask for?" and I would say "Well, to be ordained a priest." and she thought about it and said, "That's not an easy life. You have to be prepared. Have you learned all the songs? Have you learned the services?"...and so she knew who I was but the whole putting two and two together wasn't necessarily there...the reason that the tense changed a lot in the last dialogue is because that wasn't a one-time only dialogue...in the course of two days that conversation happened almost 5-6 times.
At one point she asked me whether I was going to Kottayam...I was shocked. Did she really remember that? And then I would say yes and ask her why I am going to Kottayam...and she said, to study to be a priest. There were flashes of her memory here and there.
As people get more ill, more aged, there's a tendency to become ill-mannered and difficult to deal with, but Ammachi was always pleasant. When she stopped being able to remember things or when her hearing started to give out she would just sit on her bed and smile. That smile is etched in my heart.
From the time I arrived in India her health was in a steady decline. When I arrived her memory was not so bad, but not so great. Her prayers were strong and constant. Soon she lost a sense of time, day and night became blurred and so prayer was all the time. Her temperament was always light and playful...she was quick witted to the end. More recently, however, even the prayers left her memory and she would sit on her bed just smiling...calm and at peace.
Since my parents left Ammachi had been a little low on energy. She wasn't very hungry and had become very tired...tired to the point that my uncle was going to take her to the hospital this morning. She has her ups and downs often and on her downs they usually sleep in the room with her in shifts. They have a little cot to sleep on that is next to her bed. So my aunt spent the first half of the night with Ammachi, then my uncle spent the rest of the night with Ammachi. When he came to her room he turned on his flashlight and as always Ammachi was only half asleep and raised her head and motioned for him to come towards her. So he had my aunt go to their room to get some sleep before the new day began. Ammachi held onto my uncle's hand as she slept and in the morning my Aunt brought her some water, but due to her recent tiredness, they decided not to get her up and let her sleep a little longer. So my uncle started his daily routine of chores and came in to check on her. She was sleeping peacefully, but noticed her mouth slightly ajar. When he tried to then wake her up she was non-responsive. She was still warm, but non-responsive. She passed away peacefully in her sleep in her 81st year of life. Her final moments were reflective of her final years...at peace.
And for that, God is good. There is nothing for me to complain about, but just the pain that accompanies losing someone...however, not even that is something to complain about. It's a pain that arises from the blessing of having known that person in the first place. For that, God is good. For the blessing of Ammachi in my life, God is good. For allowing me to be here, God is good. For allowing her to sleep in peace, God is good. For granting her many years of bountiful life, God is good. For blessing her with a God-fearing family, God is good. For granting her with an anchoring Faith, God is good. And there so much more, and for that, God is good.
And today, God provided me the proper counseling by putting both prayer and the Holy Qurbana before me. It was not just for me to reorient the shock of this news towards God, but also for me to offer prayers for Ammachi.
REFLECTIONS in the Form of RAMBLING
And I thought about the offering of prayers and remember the departed and how much of a "hot-button" issue it is among Christians...and I don't think that I'm going to be able to express myself entirely here, or well at all, but let me give it a shot. I don't want to get into a Bible-proofing exercise, because frankly, the Bible is not nor was ever intended to act as a proof text...normal from the Orthodox side the example of the prayer for Onesiphorous who is departed is cited as a "proof" for praying for the departed...and the Maccabees praying for their departed is the reason why the Protestants wanted the Deutero-canonical books out...All of these picking out convenient verses out of context seems just very sloppy and juvenile. It works in the opposite direction such as the famous misquoting of Psalm 115:17, "The dead do not praise the Lord, nor do any that go down into silence"...and then the conveniently left out verse 18, "But we will bless the Lord from this time on and forevermore. Praise the Lord!" and the even more conveniently forgotten context of the Psalm which is basically comparing the worship of lifeless idols to the worship of the lifegiving God...Worship of what is lifeless is essentially dead, whereas worship of Him that is lifegiving is, essentially living. And this whole "context" of the Psalms, especially in looking at the language of praising the Lord forever, which is one of the most common exhortations and pronouncements of the Psalms are all not possible if we want to read it as literally as those engaged in Biblical proofing are involved in. All in all it is lacking of any true interpretation with integrity or or proper analysis of Holy Writ.
The Scriptures are not there to prove a point or disprove a point, but rather to establish the Truth, among other things to demonstrate God's salvific plan for humanity.
So instead, what do I look at when reflecting upon the departed? Of course the Scriptures are the basis of reflection, but what is the Scripture's purpose? Obviously, you have to look at context...bear with me though as I ramble, if you really wish to.
Why do I pray for the departed? Very simple put, Love. In Christ, the bond of mutual love and prayer unites all believers together. What is particularly striking is that as an "assembly" of believers, we are not joined to each other by our own temporal bonds (i.e. brother, sister, friend), but rather we are joined to CHRIST. In being joined to Christ we are joined to the ENTIRE Church...to ALL believers. This is much more meaningful than our temporal and limited understanding of Church could ever imply. Our life of prayer, liturgy, Eucharist all lead to a deepening and strengthening of this very realization, fellowship, and communion to the entire creation IN Christ.
We are one IN Christ. Inseparable IN Christ. We are made ONE in baptism and we maintain our oneness with Christ through the Eucharist. This unity is FOREVER and ETERNAL. Anyone who would pose only a temporary or this-world unity ought to go through the Scriptures and open your mind a little wider to what Christ really offered to us. He almost always calls us to think a little higher, to get our mind out of the proverbial 'gutter'. We're often too tied down by worldly concerns and considerations that lead us to ask a number of questions that bring us into the nitty gritty details of the implications of such a belief, or so eager to argue that we lose sight of what Christ and the Scriptures actually show us to be the case.
Now, I'm not saying that those nitty gritty details ought to be passed over, but to a certain extent we will never really know all that we'd love to know about life after our physical death, or God for that matter. We work with what we have. We are 'baptized into one body by one Spirit' (1 Cor 12:12, Gal 3:27-28, etc) and in one bread we 'who are many are one body' (1 Cor 10:17). The lack of a true understanding of what baptism and Eucharist are serves as a great hamper to even start a discussion on the same page...which is why the discussion regarding the departed is so circular and very rarely bearing of fruit...
Ok, I've continued to ramble...I'm going to try to conclude my quite long remarks now: I will not even pretend to be capable of answering and addressing all the many issues regarding the departed, but when it comes down to what is vital, that's love, the Love that Christ offered us and showed us in His Incarnation and Crucifixion. He exhorted us to abide in Him. He provided us baptism to be united IN Him...Our bond to the departed is not to them by individual bonds, but through our bond to Christ to everyone. What is not of the vine will be cut off. The bricks that are built on the Cornerstone are not removed with each generation, but rather continues to provide the foundation by which we and the coming generations will be built upon. Christ neither disappears, but is the eternal cornerstone, the eternal foundation, the eternal vine...the only thing we know that is not part of this are those who are cut off, those who are discarded, those who are separated out. Not the faithful who undergo physical death. In fact, St. Paul writes, "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Read that again - NOTHING. If you understand this in the context of Christ's teaching about Himself and the Church, in light of Paul's other writings, and then in light of the Faith of the Church whose foundation and groom is Christ, Himself, the dissension grows weak and the polemics fade. How can St. Paul be so bold in taunting death, in saying "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?". It is not because he will not physically, or we will not physically die, because we shall, but his 'audacity' is rooted in the Faith and realization that IN Christ we have eternal life.
What does this eternal life entail? While we wait for the Second Coming, St. John clues us in Revelations 7:15, "For this reason they are before the throne of God and worship him day and night within his temple, and the one who is seated on the throne will shelter them..." We will and our departed do, worship Him...night and day.
We are made for His worship and we will worship and our departed will worship as we worship while we have our physical existence. We unite our prayers with the praying community who have departed from this earthly life. This bond that unites this community, the Church is love. Love is how we know Christ, it is how we know each other, and it is our duty. Love. We look at all the practical questions of "why pray for someone who is dead? what good will it produce? what effect will it have?" but honestly, is THAT why we even pray? If so then our prayer life is so decrepit, stale, and lifeless that we have little claim to the Christ that became Incarnate, was Crucified, and Resurrected...if our prayer life is set upon the profit and mindset of what to gain and not based upon our strengthening of fellowship and communion in God for that very purpose...then how sad are we?
If we intercede for the living and the dead only with the assurance that some situation will be rectified, how sad is our situation? Do we only pray for the sick or suffering so that they be healed or that their struggles cease? Surely that is OUR will, but not necessarily His. How sad and misguided. How many times is it NOT the case that healing does not come, or that struggles only increase? It is not for lack of Faith that we are frustrated when healing does not come or that life does not become easier, it is because of our misguided understanding of who God is and who we are. Our expectations of God are inconsistent with what we can possibly know of Him..
We pray because we love. We pray because we know how to do nothing else. We plant, we water, we fertilize, we work, but in the end God gives growth...and we find ourselves completely dependent upon Him when all of our best efforts have been put forward. We offer ourselves at His feet and lay ourselves before Him to do His work. We plead with Him that His will be done, whether or not that be our will. He always hears, but does not answer how we want. How silly of children to demand what they think best for them from the parent. How much sillier must it be that we demand of God what we think is best for us and our loved ones? We pray. We do not demand of God, but we plead for His mercy...for us, and for our departed...and for the entire world. We pray for them not because we expect a change, but because we know no greater expression or manifestation of love than prayer. We worship Him who is perfect and who loves us perfectly. We offer ourselves, we offer our departed, we offer everything to God for sanctification and perfection. We believe in the dynamic union between the departed and living based first and foremost because we believe in a living and dynamic Christ. We are the Temple, the Bridegroom, the Vine, and the Body of Christ. We are not cut off. Not even death, not even death can separate us from the love of Christ.
Amazing blog Semassen
ReplyDeleteI haven't heard it said any better. God is good. You, your family and Ammachi are in our prayers semassen.
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